Short and Sweet... nothing like me

Ok so I know that my blog yesterday was overwhelming... far too long and so many links. I went a little blog happy. As restitution, this blog with be short and sweet which is nothing like me...



well I am short but I'm not that sweet. I'm direct and to the point and while I care deeply for humankind (I always care about the underdog and I couldn't make fun of someone for something they can't control), I can't help but comment on what I see and/or think (i.e. I can and will make fun of something that you can control)



Case in point... last night, I had my first class. There were 40 people there. Mainly couples, ok exaggerating, about 50% couples, 30% single/blood related and 20% in a relationship but there other half wasn't there. I was in the 20% and I was ok with that because RJ and I discussed it in advance, he paid for the class and we talk about it when I get home. However there was one instance where I wished he was there so I could say something just above a whisper in hopes that the offender would hear and apply some deoderant or move seats....

"Man, somebody is sweating whatever they ate for dinner tonight!"

Ugh! but I had no one to say it too. So instead I investigated. Was it the breath of the guy next to me? Don't think so. Was it the well dressed woman across from me? No she is in retail at Saks and dresses impecably. Was it the average looking girl behind me? Nothing against average girls.. I'm pretty average. Then it happened... the potential smelly breath guy knows the average girl and he says

"Hey, we went to BGood for dinner. What did you guys do?" note: BGood is a healthier version of fast food

She replies "We went to fgdguyhfmg (incomprehensable) King"



That is it. My face lit up. You are the smelly culprit and you are sweating that ethnic grub that you ate. Nothing against ethnic grub.. I love thai, asian, italian, mexican. I don't care if you like the bizzare foods along with AZ... but consider your surroundings when you eat certain foods; we were in a TINY room. She reeked all class. I couldn't turn in her direction (see earlier post on my sensitive nose) UNTIL...

I contributed in class. Hello, it costs $300 and its an intellectual class and I had a well researched, valid question. And that smelly bitch shakes her head at my question as if it was the dumbest thing ever. Oooh how my head snapped in her direction as I caught the little shake in my peripheral view. And I breathed in and thought



'F you.. your pores reek of something unholy. I mean people ask stupid questions in these classes and I hold judgement bc its a religious class and I'm trying to be good while here... you would think she could hold her snooty attitude until class was over. Not to mention, it was a valid question about the temple in Jerusaleum and the Messianic Age... well thought out.'



But since RJ wasn't there and I couldn't say anything, I gave her the nice smile that says I will f**k your shit up if you judge me again. And I swear, I saw her try to stop her pores from leaking any more smelliness and she cowered just a little.



Thats right... you better bow down. I will end you. At some point, you will say something, contribute to class and in the most sincere seeming way, I will make a different point even if I don't agree with it just to put you in your place and make you recognize.



Go enjoy stinking up your clothes and having everyone on the T look around til they realize its YOU who smells like a backed up garbage disposal in a highschool cooking class after Around the World day

Three strikes, you're out

So who knew the episode?

You probably know it as the Three Strikes episode based on this exchange between Penny & Sheldon after she eats an onion ring and sits in his seat, which he tells her was her 3rd strike:

Sheldon: "It's a sports metaphor."

Penny: "A sports metaphor?"

Sheldon: "Yes, baseball."

So this got me to thinking... what would be 3 biggest offenses someone could do to me to be ousted from my inner circle? would i agree with Sheldon's first strike related to Penny sending him junk emails (forwards)? to be honest, I have 3 email addresses plus the blog. I give one email to my PopPop to which he sends forwards and jokes. I give one for bills, subscriptions, registrations, friends and then my work email. So this isn't a huge problem for me, so no that strike didn't make it for me. Do I care about a particular seat? Not really but to be honest, no one would take my seat. Where Sheldon is a wimpy guy, I'm a very direct gal and typically people know what I want and give it to me... RJ would say its easier than listening to me although he challenges me quite often!

Here are some things that I would call strikes:

- Monolpolizing a conference call with chit chat or complaining. I can whine with the best of them but we have an agenda to get through. As I said to someone the other day, can she put her grown up pants on and get it done already

- Being passive aggressive. If you have a problem with me; professionally or personally, "suit up" and tell me already. If you can't then my advice is to go find the person who is holding your balls, beg for them to be returned and call me when they are reattached and you're ready to deal.

- Cab drivers who feel the need to chat with me my entire ride (thanks to sassytwosocks for her tweet that reminded me of this annoying bullshit). Also, cab drivers who say they accept ccs and then their piece of shit machines don't work and I'm left scrambling for an atm and trying to make my flight!

- Skinny bitches who claim they don't exercise, eat whatever they want, don't throw up but they are almost 30 or older. Stop f'n lying; metabolism slows down. Either your idea of eating whatever you want is different than the average person, you do work out or you puke and you know it. I especially love when said bitches have those mouths that just shout, I puke!

- People who say they don't watch tv and look down on those who do... listen, I like books.. actually I love reading. And I like hanging with my friends but sometimes there is nothing better than mindless time in front of the boob tube. Not to mention there is some great tv our there in addition to the mind numbing television.

I mean if you have a sense of humor and you've never enjoyed The Big Bang Theory or How I met your Mother

Or you like food and you've never seen Guy Fieri Triple D & Anthony Bourdain No Reservations.. I'm seriously considering a whole post on suggestions for Triple D (everyone loves greasy or comfort food or both at least once in their adult life)

Or you like mystery and staring at my TV husband check out Fringe

note he is not my tv husband when he does the klingon thing with his forehead

Or you like outdoorsy stuff and learning, check out Mark & Olly

Oh and if you pay for premium channels like me, then you have to

love Entourage, Big Love, Secret Diary of a Call Girl and I'm even a little into the United States of Tara

Or hell if you like making fun of idiots, you need to check out Property Virgins (this couple was especially irritating!) or My First Place (they get a room done as a prize for being idiots; come on! this is encouraging these morons).... these people are so dumb that they make RJ angry most of the time

**Ok point made, maybe I need a separate post just to tell you the shows I like and why. Back to the strikes -->

- People who judge... listen up aholes; you haven't walked in my shoes... you want to make fun for something silly I did or said, one of my many falls or embarassing moment; go ahead. But don't judge me or anyone else for that matter. "First of all, you don't know me. Second of all, you don't know me"

* Anyone know that quote? If so, you know my guilty tv pleasure

- Incompetent Baggers

- People who expect to be applauded for just showing up... ooh did you wipe your own ass today too... see the above comment about wearing your big girl pants.. in these people's cases, I don't care if they want the reassurance so they wear depends.. I'm not going to coddle you

Whoa... way more than 3. I could have kept going. But I won't. I have to get back to the grind. Feel free to comment with your own strikes, I'd love to hear them and they give me inspiration for my own tirades! And I overloaded you with links, I'll cut that down next time... I went a little nuts!

btw, the actual episode title is "The panty pinata polarization"

And if you were wondering, there is no kryptonite for THE Queen of Drama Queens and if there were, it definitely wouldn't be calling my mommy on me

Tidbit Numero Uno

Ok as promised, I am creating my first Tidbit blog... a tidbit o' creativity... a tidbit o' entertainment... a tidbit o' WTF.... at a minimum it will entertain just me... at a middle ground it will make you smile and ponder the tidbit awhile... at a maximum my tidbits will earn me national recognition and a regular spot on the Chelsea Handler roundtable....

And yes that was my tidbits not my tatas for you dirty minded folks who read between the letters rather than the lines, that will earn me my 15 minutes of fame.

and we're off...

Last night RJ and I met the boxer and her Mighty Duck for drinks, apps and trivia. There was a guy at the bar who came over to me after one of the questions and asked if we knew the answer to the question and I said that we didn't but we'd come up with something creative. Well the guy leans in and whispers in my ear "Scrimshaw" (10 pts to the person who comments jeopardy style what the question could have been) and I say thanks, write it down and go to turn it in. When I return, the guy is having a very animated discussion with RJ about the next question (3 bones in the arm) and I'm hoping RJ won't break his for whispering so seductively in my ear earlier (kidding, it wasn't seductive but every once in awhile, I like to channel my inner JD and daydream how the situation could play out). Ok so the guy eventually goes back to the bar and Boxer says "What was up with that dude? He's married (sidebar, I didn't even look for the ring and that don't mean he wasn't all over DQs ass, alright!) and he's at the bar alone and desperate to play trivia with us."

Now a small part of me that is trying to be a nicer person said "maybe he is new here" but boxer and even RJ were like "why not bring your wife". Mighty Duck was rather quiet on the topic but to his credit, the bruins were on tv and if you haven't guessed, hockey is kind of his thing. So my question is....

What type of married guy goes to a bar by himself on a Sunday night and why? No he wasn't from out of town travelling on business
Maybe his wife is a weirdo who throws oscar parties where they do brackets for the winners and he has no friends (he seemed normal but then again so did the steven king look alike sitting behind RJ but then his crazy eyes started freaking me out)

So what do you think?

btw, no prize for us; we came in 4th. speaking of the Oscars and my latest tweet on twitter- I have fallen in love with Ashton Kutcher through his endearing tweets on twitter and by affiliation with his unfairly gorgeous wife Demi for her equal tweeting. And Ashton posted from their party like a regular old joe and I just dig that. I have forgiven Ashton for that hideous movie where he married Britney Murphy and he is welcome to tweet with me any day.

Again with the dirty minds.. tweet = instant message on twitter

Keep those dirty minds fresh for tomorrow's tidbit and btw if tweet meant anything but instant message, I'd be telling Joshua Jackson tweet me baby